Living in the “in-between”
After returning from my first home leave trip since moving abroad, I’ve felt like I’m living in some “in-between” space, as I’m not sure what to call “home” anymore. For some time, especially after having my daughter, I thought I was “homesick.” But my feelings seem to be more about being “timesick” as I’ve realized how I haven’t so much missed a specific place but a specific time in my life when certain groups of people were in it.
Mixing past with the present at MSU
While home in Michigan, I met up with a former student I taught in journalism classes when she was a junior and senior in high school in the Chicago suburbs. She is now a senior at my undergrad alma mater, Michigan State.
The meet-up was like an Inception of flashbacks mirroring several points in my life: the time I was a teacher/newspaper adviser at my first job after undergrad, the time when I turned 21 years old and could drink legally as we met at the legendary Peanut Barrel bar and restaurant in East Lansing, the time I similarly reunited with my former high school newspaper adviser at Michigan State (as she was alumna too) during a tailgate and she brought her infant daughter (as I did during my meet-up with my former student).
So many versions of myself overlapped into this one moment. I felt proud for my former student to have seen her grow up into a mature and ambitious woman especially in contrast to how immature and uncertain I was in my identity and career path when I had met up with my former high school teacher at her age.
While visiting MSU, Michal and I (along with Esther, my best friend from high school/college) toured around campus with Sophia in her stroller, going back to spots like our first date location at the Union and where we met/got engaged/got married at St. John Student Parish. This October, it will have been a decade since the day Michal and I started our relationship, so to return to these spots with a child and seeing current college kids around our age was surreal. How did we get so old? Ten years ago, I would have never imagined having the life that we have now!
Sophia steals the show with family and friends
During our home leave, we had significant events lined up like Sophia’s baptism, a family friend’s wedding and Michal’s best friend’s wedding. Not to mention, our friends from college and high school held events like dinner parties and BBQs in honor of our short homecoming. Through all of these fun times, we saw everyone we loved from our circle in Michigan and introduced them to our sweet Sophia.
It is such a blessing to see grandparents with their grandchild. My mother especially seems to live for Sophia. Sophia’s godparents are our best friends who attended MSU and SJSP with us, my cousin April and her husband Jake, and they relished every opportunity to spend with her. Both Michal and I have strong networks of family friends in our respective ethnic communities within the Detroit area. Both of us have kept in touch with friends in metro Detroit, especially our mutual friends from church and college. With all these ties to Michigan, we have begun considering what it would be like to return to the area, after the decade we have been away.
Former and/or future home?
For a time, I didn’t think of a more long-term homecoming as a possibility. I’ve enjoyed living in and exploring new cities after college and wasn’t too keen on reliving my past. Metro Detroit and Detroit proper had changed in a lot of ways through my lifetime . I grew up in the heyday of Troy, Mich. when it used to be the headquarters of Kmart and when Detroit was proudly reaping the benefits of being Motor City. After high school, an era began when businesses lay vacant and countless homes were going unsold. In fact, my childhood home will soon be entering the market.
To see it empty – my former home of more than 25 years, a place that symbolized the American dream for my family as my parents immigrated to the U.S. from the Philippines and moved from a Detroit apartment to the suburbs, conjured up feelings of the past – of possibility. When we first moved into this home, I remember dancing around the living room thinking how there was so much space to play. But like any home, there are feelings of heartache paired with those happy memories. As a 31-year-old adult who celebrated her recent birthday in this home, I am looking forward to my parents selling the house in order to let go of what has become a burden to maintain in their age, and I am glad I got to see it one more time to have some closure.
One year ago when we moved to Seoul to begin our expat adventures, I wrote a bit about the concept of home based on the adage “Home is where the heart is.” Yet, another saying that comes to mind with this blog post is “You can ‘t go home again” because past times can never be as fulfilling as they initially were. In my recent visit to my former home after much time living in other parts of the U.S. and the world, I have discovered what you can do instead:
You can create a new home again in the same place that once was.
I have seen this happen in the continual resurgence of Detroit as it seems more and more revitalized with hip restaurants, bars, breweries and other business each time we visit. I have seen this in the hope and joy within grandparents’ eyes has they play with their grandchild for the first time. I have seen this in friendships that have not only stood the test of time but have actually thrived through distance and difference in lifestyles.
Michal and I aren’t sure what’s next for us, but we are trusting in God’s promise and plan, whether it will be the place where we came from or some place farther away.